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The Devil Redux [Jun. 20th, 2006|02:26 am]
Just saw "End of Days", Schwartzenager's apocalypse movie.


First of all- Arnold is hilarious. He's somewhat awe inspiring in Predator, and that era of movies---the film quality is grainy enough, and everything is un-cg'd enough, that his bulging biceps are truly ferocious. Other people (Vin Deisel, other modern buff-men) can't compete not because they're not as built---but because the medium is so different.

Plus. He...he just...Arnold + Theology = Crazy delicious.

Also. In that movie---is it just me, or are those the most laid back, chill cultists ever? Like, whenever they show up, they're carrying flashlights and rakes and shovels and things, and they plod, stumble, and almost waddle around very, very slowly. Like, the bride of Satan is getting away, their Dark Lord himself is there and in pursuit, and they're just like... "Nah man, we're cool. We'll catch em. Just keep walkin. They ain't goin anywhere." Meanwhile Arnold has jumped on a helicopter, ridden halfway across NYC in a cab, got in a subway train, blow up said subway train, and then biked the Tour de france. It's like someone accidently put in the footage from their new zombie movie.

Also, what's up with the satanists claiming "we can't let them find our temple!" when it's clearly marked by LARGE RED GLYPHS AND SYMBOLS, IN VARIOUS THREATENING AND/OR OCCULT PATTERNS. I mean, the Devil doesn't even need directions. He just follows these crazy circles with symbols in them. How is it that these "Knights of Christ" or whatever havn't exterminated these guys? OR at least gone in and given them baths? It leads right to them.

Speaking of chill---the idea is that Satan must "do the deed" with this certain woman between 11 and 12 on new years eve 1999. Fair. But what is going on with him? Why all the chanting people watching? Is this a fetish? I would put all the chanting people in an underground room, tell them to chant a bunch, and to attack anyone else who comes in, then find somewhere secluded. I mean, what was the purpose of all those people? None. Plus, when she gets away, they're in the church---it's down to 5 minutes. Shouldn't he have just given up at that point? I mean....really. THat's pretty intense pressure to be opperating under. I dunno. But he doesn't seem to be worried. He actually lets the clock run down more. What's going on? Does he really expect to be able to "Perform" in 30 seconds flat? Whatever. They must have had all kinds of bad nicknames for him at Angel university. Suddenly the rebellion against God makes a whole lot more sense. He was just insecure about prematurity.

But beating every single moment of the film...was the Rob Zombie music video to "Superbeast" in the special features. It was incredible. It utilized a few peices of the movie, notably the crazy people, the devil, and a lot of fire, and the various members of the band playing the song--although distorted through weird colors and strange graininess---not in an artistic way, but as if a freshman in Painting I broke into the design labs and made "art" to accompany his new freeform band, where he uses an instrument that he never actually learnd how to play--which makes it artistic. Also, this kid isn't thinking about being a Studio Art major---he's just using this for his fine arts distribution requirements. Then came the clincher. Ninjas.

That's right.


In PVC, no less. It was as if Rob Zombie (who's judgment can only be marveled at, if only at his choice of names), or possibly even worse, some director of music videos, said "Hmmm. I mean, I like the movie. Don't get me wrong. I like it a lot. It's got the devil. It's got guns--both handguns and automatics! It's got explosions. It's got nudity and incest. But do you know what's really keeping it from being incredible? No sexy ninjas."

So these ninjas appear throughout the video, dressed in futuristic costumes, while Rob Zombie does something between raver dancing and an impression of Worf from Star Trek when he does Klingon tai chi. Then one of the ninjas GETS ON A MOTORCYCLE (for optimum sweetness) and DRIVES TOWARDS A MOUNTAIN WITH A ROBOT IN IT!

This robot vaugly resembles the robots from the matrix. Although it is more poorly rendered. I don't even remember if they fight or not. I was so stunned.

There are no ninjas in the movie. Nor robots. I'm almost wondering if I made that part up. It's pretty late, and I'm tired.

That being said, I don't mind the guy who played the devil. It proved once again that demons are so much cooler when they just look human. Eg- "Devil's Advocate". Balthazar in "Constantine", any time he isn't being CG'd (holla back Gavin Rossdale). Yeah. The CG is just...well, not scary. If you're going to show the Devil, don't make him SATAN LORD OF THE PIT BLALLALAAARGH I HAVE HUGE HORNS AND LOOK LIKE A MONSTER. Make him Lucifer, the bringer of light, the most beutiful and powerful of all of the angels of the lord. He'll be sooooo much scarier that way.

Well, that's "End of Days". Hope everyone is having a good night. Bless all, peace to you.

[User Picture]From: johannes_d_s
2006-06-20 08:42 pm (UTC)

Please please please do this more often.

At the Angel university sentence, I almost shot water out of my nose onto a cable station lease amendment.

Now I have to go see the damn thing.
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[User Picture]From: argon_fc
2006-06-22 06:32 am (UTC)
I haven't seen the film in along time, so I'm a little fuzzy about many of the details you mentioned. However, I wasn't swayed to rent the darned thing until you described the Rob Zombie video. I never saw that since I viewed the movie in a theater. Now I have to rent it. I wouldn’t want to miss such a rare treat as this! 'Course I doubt it'll be as good as your review makes it sound. Ebert eat your heart out!
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